One Line

Life is like a pack of chewing-gum; I've yet to figure out why

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'Pessimist' is a word used by optimists to describe someone who sees the world for what it really is Alcohol releases the inner retard in all of us... 

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I'm looking forward to regretting this

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The road to success is always under construction

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Those who know do not say, those who say do not know

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You must master your joystick, as a fisherman masters bait

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The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else

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A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge

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Don't lead me to temptation... I can find it by myself

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Marriage is not like war: You sleep with the enemy

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Harrasing me about my smoking may be hazardous to your health!

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Drugs cause amnesia, and other things I can't remember

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Don't breed them if you can't feed them

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The rich get richer and the poor get children

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Conserve water, drink beer

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People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do

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I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun

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If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws

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Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most

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Sometimes I wish I were you, just so I could be friends with me

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Opinions are like assholes... Everyone's got one, and they stink

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Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up too..

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What happens if you get scared half to death... twice?

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Women/Men who seek to be equal with men/women lack ambition

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Time is what keeps things from happening all at once

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Politicians prefer unarmed peasants

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Eat healthy, exercise more, still die

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I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it

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Don't judge a man by his boxers, it's what's inside that counts

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Buy land, they have quit making it!

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I'm not an alcoholic. I am a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings

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There are some that are wise and others that are otherwise

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The easiest way to avoid a hangover is to just stay drunk.

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When cows laugh, does milk come out of their nose?

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When cows laugh, does milk come out of their nose?

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Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?

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There are no stupid questions, just stupid people

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Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

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Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question

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I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours

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I avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

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WaNnA PLaY ArMy?? ... Ok! SiT BaCk AnD i'LL BLoW ThE HeLL OuT oF YoU!

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To alcohol! The cause of and solution to all life's problems.

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When I'm good I'm very good but when I'm bad I'm better

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I'm more drunk than a three-legged chicken on a wet patch of ice!

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Smile and the world smiles with you. Fart and you stand alone.

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Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but milk do?

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If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

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I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.

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Trying is the first step towards failure

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Life's a beach... Surf it up!

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Not me, not now, maybe later...

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I've lost my phone number, can I have yours?

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What is arrogance? Thinking you can compete with me!

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When life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and the salt!

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Intelligence could be instinct which has it at the wrong end.

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The higher you are, the farther you fall.

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Save a horse, ride a Cowboy!

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Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

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If you hate me, i love you too. It ain't my fault i'm better than you.

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Dont steal, the government hates competition

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I don't curse, drink and smoke. H*ly shit! My cigarette fell in my glass of beer!

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Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it a hundred times.

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Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

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By the time you read this, you've already read it

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Save a tree, eat a beaver

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A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts

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I'm better than normal, I'm abnormal!

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Life's a bitch. Be its pimp

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I Don't Like The Drugs, But The Drugs Like Me

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No fear! (NAME) is here!

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If your name was homework, I'd be doing you on my desk right now...

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Reality Sucks! I'm Gonna Keep On Dreamin

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Unite against togetherness!

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Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

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Don't like my attitude? Call 1800-KISS-MY-ASS.

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Everybody makes mistakes, that's why they put erasers on pencils.

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Save water, drink beer.

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Don't drink and drive. You might spill your beer.

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Be nice to your children. For they will be choosing your nursing home someday.

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You can trust the government, just ask the Indians.

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Geniuses are never understood in their own lifetimes.

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We came, we saw, we drank beer.

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Be back later...my dog ate my car keys....we are hitchhiking to the vet's office.

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Me breaking the rules? No. I test their elasticity.

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Work harder: People on welfare depend on you.

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Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

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Women/Men are like public toilets, they are either taken or full of crap!

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I'm only crazy when other people cant stand that I'm right.

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 You can better lose a lover than love a loser.

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3 words to ruin a guys ego. is it in??

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If at first you do not succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.

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In the event of an emergency landing why do the people in the pamphlet look so calm?

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I can't wait to see how you look when I'm naked.

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Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights do make a left.

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You're unique, just like everyone else....

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Everybody has the right to be stupid but your breaking the rules!

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Why do our noses run and our feet smell?

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Save a mouse, eat a pussy

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Keep Earth clean, it's not Ur-anus

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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow

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Make love not war. Condoms are cheaper than guns

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Don't do it behind the garden gate love is blind but the neighbours ain't!

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When you judge others you dont define them you define yourself.. :-)

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The more I learn, the more I forget. So why would I learn?

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You're looking at perfection, and it ain't you!

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Do blind eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

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If electricty comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

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Never wish on 1 star more than 1nce cause your luck ALWAYS runs out!

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I know that you know that I know that you think I'm the best, that's why you never tell me

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We both know I'm the best, that's why you never tell me

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Women/Men are proof that women/men can take a joke

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As long as my boss pretends that I'm earning much, I'm pretending that I work hard 

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An answer to that nagging question............... I let the dogs out! 

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What do an Icebear have after swimming? Snowballs!

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Nobody like me, so I always have 1 friend
 

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Girls/Boys are great, every boy/girl should own one
 

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You know it's always business doing pleasure with you
 

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If you throw rice at weddings, will asian people throw hotdogs?
 

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I've lost my phone number, can I have yours?
 

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One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject
 

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When I'm good, I'm really good, but when I'm bad I'm better
 

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I'm not smiling at you, I'm trying not to laugh!
 

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24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence? I think not...
 

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I'm fat, but your ugly. I can diet
 

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English! Who needs that? I'm never going to England!
 

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You may laugh because I'm different but I laugh because you're all the same
 

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If at first you dont succeed skydiving isnt for you
 

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Take a break like it is a sort of screen saver!
 

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I am on the seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!
 

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ScReW TwiZzLeRS!! i'LL MaKe YoUr MoUtH HaPPy!
 

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I aint guilty, im just not innocent! ;-)
 

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Can I get your picture? I collect nature disasters  

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For all you who talk about me, thanks for making ME the center of YOUR world!
 

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I'm cool, I'm hot....I'm everything you're not 

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You and the bank own a very lovely home
 

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I would tell ya to go to hell but all dogs go to heaven
 

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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants
 

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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
 

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You don't buy the drink here, you only rent it
 

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All racists who are prepared to die for their country, why not now?
 

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Drinking is the answer, I don't remember the question
 

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Superman is a travestite
 

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Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
 

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Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question
 

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Lower the age of puberty!
 

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God bless Atheism
 

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I drink to make other people interesting
 

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My life is like a porno-movie, without the sex
 

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An unfortunate person is one tries to fart but shits instead
 

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A miserable person is one who truly enjoys a fart but can't
 

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Anarchists of the world, unite!
 

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Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
 

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Don't be open-minded, your brains might fall out
 

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Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss
 

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You and the bank own a very lovely home
 

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I would tell ya to go to hell but all dogs go to heaven
 

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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants
 

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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
 

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You don't buy the drink here, you only rent it
 

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All racists who are prepared to die for their country, why not now?
 

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Drinking is the answer, I don't remember the question
 

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Superman is a travestite
 

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Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
 

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Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question
 

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Lower the age of puberty!
 

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God bless Atheism
 

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I drink to make other people interesting
 

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My life is like a porno-movie, without the sex
 

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An unfortunate person is one tries to fart but shits instead
 

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A miserable person is one who truly enjoys a fart but can't
 

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Anarchists of the world, unite!
 

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Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
 

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Don't be open-minded, your brains might fall out
 

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Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss
 

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If my car was a horse, I would have to shoot it!
 

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An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire hius work
 

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Men are like roses, you got to watch out for all the pricks
 

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Behind every successful woman, is a man who is surprised
 

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I don't hate you, I just need someone to take my anger out on
 

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I love deadlines, especially the whooshing sound they make as they go by
 

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Whoever said nothing's impossible never tried to slam a revolving door
 

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Haggis is a self cleaning meal. Leave it for a while and it will get up and walk away
 

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A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings
 

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Who's cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "s" in it?
 

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Why is it that the most unattractive people in this world insist on being nudists?
 

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I'm not a dumb blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot!
 

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I don't know if I'm a player. Ask one of my girlfriends
 

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Virginity is like a bubble... One tiny prick and it's gone
 

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If guys had their period, they'd probably brag about the size of our tampons
 

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Fat people are harder to kidnap
 

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If one synchronized swimmer drowns, does that mean they all have to?
 

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Fat Girls are like Mopeds: fun to ride, but you don't want yo
 

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All kids are gifted; some just open their packages earlier than others.
 

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Will the highways on the Internet become more few?
 

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We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads
 

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Most lies are false
 

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The internet is a great way to get on the net.
 

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ur friends to catch you
 

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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
 

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I wear the pants in this house. My wife just tells me which pair to wear